5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2015
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2015

1. Goodbye, Jon Stewart And Brian Williams — America Bids Adieu To A Great Newsman And A Fantastic Entertainer (You Decide Which One's Which)

The genre of journalistic entertainment/entertaining journalism is losing two of its biggest hitters after NBC announced the six-month suspension of its nightly news anchor Brian Williams and Jon Stewart disclosed his imminent retirement from the Daily Show later this year. Will we ever again find performers so adept at blurring the line between what we need and want to hear?


2. Perplexed Congress Forced To Choose Between Opposing President And Supporting War

President Obama is asking the United States Congress to formally authorize the use of military force against ISIS. Legislators are currently trying to figure out a way that they can self-righteously oppose this request while approving it at the same time.


3. Little League Baseball Team Forced To Relinquish Championship Trophy Thanks To Childish Coaches

Chicago-based Little League baseball team Jackie Robinson West has been stripped of its National Championship status after it became clear to league officials that its coaches had recruited players who did not live with the team's geographic area in an effort to build the kind of championship team into which it was successfully built.

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4. Calm Down, Internet, Your Sriracha Ketchup Has Arrived

No longer will you be forced to pour both ketchup and Sriracha onto your scrambled eggs and cheeseburgers like a chump. Heinz is finally releasing a ketchup flavored with the Internet's favorite hot sauce. Now, all we need is bacon-flavored Heinz and Jennifer Lawrence-flavored Heinz, and we'll finally know some peace.


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5. Physicists Peer Deep Into Universe To Discover The Secret Of Why Popcorn Pops

A team of French physicists have used high-speed cameras recording at 2,900 frames per second to determine once and for all the exact mechanics of how and why a corn kernel pops into popcorn. According to their highly important study, when a corn kernel is heated, the moisture within turns to steam, which raises the atmospheric pressure inside to ten times what can be found around its exterior. When the shell cannot hold out any longer, it pops. It is henceforth transferred to a bowl and devoured while you guiltily watch the newest episode of Scandal.

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