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1. Philadelphia To Be Beset By America-Hating Liberal Hippies... More So

The Democratic National Committee announced today that it has selected Philadelphia as the location of the 2016 Democratic Convention. Voters nationwide are now bracing themselves for a flood of publicity photos of their legislators pretending to enjoy themselves while eating cheesesteaks.


2. Charlie Sheen Just Came To Brian Williams' Defense, In Case You Were Still On The Fence About All That

As if having your career implode before nationally televised audience was traumatic enough, poor Brian Williams now has to deal with the indignity of being defended by former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen. In an open letter posted to Twitter, Sheen told the news that he believes him to be "the victim of a transparent and vile witch hunt! Erroneously "staged" by hooligans, non coms, cowards and oligarchs."