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1. Eastern Half Of Nation A Hair's Breadth Away From Simply Freezing Solid

Large swaths of the continental United States from the Great Lakes to the Gulf Coast are being plunged into the coldest, most desolate depths of Hell this week, carried on the back of the so-called "Siberian Express," a wave of frigid Arctic air from northern Russia. People caught in the grips of these historically low temperatures are being advised to stay indoors and solemnly contemplate the nauseating emptiness of existence.