5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 20, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 20, 2015
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1. New Allegations Surface That Bill O'Reilly Is As Full Of Shit As We All Assume He Is

On his Fox News show last week, Bill O'Reilly was helicoptered to the peak of his high horse so that he could bestow shame upon NBC News's Brian Williams for lying about his past as a wartime correspondent. Which is a perfectly understandable thing for a professional blowhard to do, except that O'Reilly himself seems to have a similarly fanciful collection of stories about his days reporting from war zones in El Salvador and the Falklands. Of course, this would all be a lot more damning if the Fox News host had any reserves of public respect to lose.



2. Beloved Terrifying Clown Doll Found After Ten Years In Equally Terrifying Place

Louie the Clown—a life-sized clown doll that went missing from an amusement park in Wichita, Kansas a decade ago—was discovered in the home of a convicted sex offender who used to work at the park. There, now you know what your nightmares will be about tonight.

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3. Today, We Woke Up In A Post-'Toxic Poopsicle' World

A tanker truck accidentally spilled around 350 gallons of raw sewage onto an I-65 exit ramp in Indiana last night. The liquid slurry of feces and urine quickly froze solid in the sub-zero weather conditions, prompting some genius working at the local newspaper Lafayette Journal & Courier to describe the fallout as a "toxic poopsicle." Ladies and gentlemen, we are no longer accepting applications for this year's Pulitzer Prize for journalism. Better luck next year.

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4. Two and a Half Men Finally Ends, Will Sadly Be Missed By Millions

CBS's Two and a Half Men ended its massively popular twelve-year run last night with a series finale filled with the same level of highbrow humor and biting social commentary that made it a multi-cam sitcom sensation. And that level is right down by your ankles. Here is the show's very last scene:

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5. Pediatrician Bravely Refuses To Treat Infant Whose Parents Are Infected With Lesbianism

A Michigan pediatrician is so very, very sorry that she will be unable to care for the six-week-old infant child of a lesbian couple, on account of her crippling homophobia. As she explained in a letter to the parents: "After much prayer following your prenatal (visit), I felt that I would not be able to develop the personal patient doctor relationship that I normally do with my patients." I hope this doctor gets through this difficult time in her life.

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