5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 26, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 26, 2015

1. Zealots With Ancient Worldview Destroy Ancient Artifacts

Militants from the Islamic State entered a museum in Mosul, Iraq this week and took sledgehammers to an untold number of millennia-old priceless pieces of art, claiming that the 3,000-year-old artifacts were religious idols. Cool bunch of guys, huh?

2. Republicans Remain As Proudly And Purposefully Ignorant As Ever

According to new polling data from Public Policy Polling, the Washington Post and the Huffington Post, a full 49 percent of Republicans still do not believe in evolution, while 54 percent say that President Barack Obama is, "deep down," actually a Muslim. On the plus side, a little more than 10 percent of GOP voters do begrudgingly acknowledge that Obama probably loves the country he's president of.

3. Science Creating A Birth Control Pill That Congress Can Get Behind

Vasalgel, a contraceptive pill for men, is expected to be released by the Parsemus Foundation at some point in 2017. Every conservative male member of Congress is expected to begin backtracking on their opposition to insurance-covered birth control approximately five minutes later.

4. Head Transplants Seem Like An Innovation That Can't Possibly Go Horribly Wrong

Italian surgeon Sergio Canavero will soon announce a highly anticipated project to transplant a human head from one body to another. It is currently unknown whether he will be able to retain sentience in the patient, or whether he will be capable of beating back the monstrous flesh golem that rises from his operating table before it strangles him to death and then heads off into the night to seek more victims.

5. Nutella May Cause Obesity, Diabetes And House Fires

Firefighters have managed to pinpoint the cause of a house fire in London. A glass Nutella jar sitting on a window sill apparently refracted sunlight in just the right way to cause a small blaze that quickly engulfed the entire building. What a terrible, delicious tragedy.