5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 6, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 6, 2015
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 6, 2015

1. California Might Make It Illegal For Parents To Risk Lives With Their Dumbness

As reported cases in California's measles outbreak rise into triple digits, some lawmakers are planning to introduce legislation that will rescind parents' right to be idiot dumbshits who believe discredited medical studies by charlatans and refuse to have their kids vaccinated.


2. Tom Brokaw Finally Has An Acceptable Excuse For Not Liking Brian Williams

Former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw wants current anchor Brian Williams' "head on a platter" after his replacement admitted to lying about wrestling a ferocious robot lion to the ground (or something) while covering the war in Iraq, according to an anonymous source at the station. This shouldn't be a big deal, since Williams reportedly became adept at sewing his own head back onto his body while covering the Battle of the Bulge.


3. Excited Breaking Bad Fans Will Get Their Chance To Be Disappointed By Better Call Saul This Sunday

The people behind AMC's much-anticipated new show, Better Call Saul, are doing their best to temper fan expectations ahead of its premiere this Sunday night. "It's tough," co-creator Peter Gould told the Hollywood Reporter. "We have this glorious thing, a built-in audience that knows this character and that's interested in the world of the show, but the truth is, this isn't Breaking Bad." I don't think he has much to worry about. Fans like me don't need it to be exactly like Breaking Bad. Just so long as it's about a chemistry teacher with brain cancer who becomes a meth kingpin and loses everything of value in his life, I'll be fine with whatever.

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4. RadioShack To Close 2,400 Locations That Apparently Still Exist Somehow

People who supposedly continue to frequent RadioShack for whatever it is they sell these days will be disappointed to learn that the company has filed for bankruptcy and will be selling more than two-thousand locations nationwide. That is, assuming those people actually exist.


5. Annoying People Can Now Get Coconut Milk At Starbucks

Starbucks has announced that it will begin offering a coconut milk option to customers who like ruining their coffee drinks with subpar creamers but are getting tired of soy milk.

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