5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 15, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 15, 2014
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1. A Federal Judge Completely Destroyed The Internet Yesterday, Or Messed Up Netflix And YouTube A Little Bit At Any Rate

A federal judge yesterday ended net neutrality by ruling that Internet service providers don't need to follow FCC non-discrimination rules, so your cable company will now be allowed to turn off the steady stream of Netflix, YouTube and other websites that keep you sane.


2. The Internet's Newest Big Meme Is Pretending That Anybody Cares About This New Christina Ricci Meme

Low-rent celebrities and sad people with nothing useful to do with their time are for some reason now fixating on a picture that actress Christina Ricci tweeted out months ago, and photographing themselves crammed into small-ish spaces. And thus #Riccing, the lamest Internet meme, was born.

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3. U.S. Government Spent $172 Million On Penis Pumps, And Most Of Them Aren't Even For John Boehner

According to a new report, Medicare spent about $172 million on penis pump sex aids for old flaccid dudes between the years 2006 and 2011. On average, each pump cost $361, which is more than twice the regular price of one purchased online. 

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4. Gang Of Old Korean Dudes Maintain Reign Of Terror Over Queens McDonald's

A group of old Korean people have staked their claim over a whole section of a McDonald's in Queens, New York, entering the store when it opens in the morning and not leaving until after dark, sometimes only sharing a single order of french fries. When ordered by the police to leave, they simply go around the corner and come right back in.

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5. Gay People Who For Some Reason Choose To Live In Oklahoma May Soon Be Able To Marry

A federal judge yesterday declared that Oklahoma's decade-long ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. Unlike the recent similar ruling in Utah, gay marriage licenses were not immediately issued. Hopeful couples will instead have to wait while the case is appealed.

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