1. President Obama Promises To Reform NSA Sufficiently So That All Of You Will Shut Up For A While

Barack Obama yesterday said that he would be introducing a number of reforms to hinder the government's ability to electronically survey U.S. citizens—such as implementing a public advocate on the FISA court and not allowing the NSA to control metadata—so you can all stop your complaining now and let those guys get back to combing through your Gmail.