1. Emma Watson Tries In Vain To Convince Half Of World Population That Other Half Isn't So Bad
UN Women Goodwill Ambassador and part-time movie star Emma Watson spoke at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland earlier today in a valiant attempt to drum up support for global gender equality. The fact that we are somehow still wrestling with this issue in the year 2015 will make you feel sooooo much better about #5 on this list.
Emma Watson is going to make a great head wizard of earth or whatever. #onboard— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) September 24, 2014
2. Guy With 5 Mansions Concerned That Poor People Live Too Opulently
Billionaire and potential Kaufman-esque performance artist Jeff Greene used his speech in Davos as an opportunity to warn everyone that they are spending way too much money and should try to be happy living in mud huts or whatever. "America's lifestyle expectations are far too high and need to be adjusted so we have less things and a smaller, better existence," the man who owns a $195 million mansion and private jet explained. "We need to reinvent our whole system of life."
I'm so rich I pay spotify $10 a month to listen to the sound of an oscillating fan as I sleep instead of just buying a real fan $$$$— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) January 22, 2015
3. Rick Santorum Chooses Not To Listen To Insufficiently Hate-Filled Pope
Lifelong Catholic and presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told a conservative radio host that he finds it "very difficult to listen to the Pope" when he says things that do not align with his own draconian idea of the Church. This was in direct response to Pope Francis' comment that Catholics need not breed "like rabbits," but it seems quite likely that Santorum—who has been very vocal in his anti-gay political stances—is also concerned that the church leader continues to lean toward the idea that homosexuals might actually be human beings.
Rick Santorum is so misguided that he thinks "Anderson Cooper 360°" is a gay sex act.— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) August 23, 2014
4. SkyMall Declares Bankruptcy, Leaving Millions Of Fliers Without Useless Bullshit
SkyMall—the catalogue of unnecessary bits of potentially soothing consumption that air travelers have long flipped through while waiting to be told that they're allowed to turn their iPods back on—has filed for bankruptcy, leaving people who have more money than sense with no way of buying enormous iPad bed easels or impractical desk clocks.
If SkyMall sold sub-prime mortgages instead of Lord of the Rings chess sets, they'd be eligible for a government bailout.— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) January 23, 2015
5. Good News! The Doomsday Clock Tells Us This Failed Human Civilization Experiment Is Nearly Over
Due to "unchecked climate change, global nuclear weapons modernizations, and outsized nuclear weapons arsenals," the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has decided to move its so-called Doomsday Clock forward two minutes to 11:57. The symbolic midnight represents the end of humanity as we know it. So, just hold tight everyone. We'll be through this nonsense before you know it.
I don't even own a doomsday clock anymore, I just use my doomsday cell phone.— James Bruce (@ComicJimBruce) January 23, 2015