5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 24, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 24, 2014
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1. That Kid Who Stole Guy Fieri's Lamborghini And Tried To Kill Someone Is Going To Jail For Life, And Yet Guy Fieri Gets To Walk Free Despite Being Guy Fieri

Max Wade—that 17-year-old kid who Mission Impossibled himself into a car dealership to steal Guy Fieri’s Lamborghini and later emptied a gun into someone's car before riding off on a motorcycle like someone from a poorly-written TV show—has been sentenced to 21 years to life. Guy Fieri, meanwhile, is in some drug store somewhere buying a gallon container of product for his hair.


2. Porn Actress Christy Mack Offering Oral Sex For The Best Lego Sculpture, So Buy Stock In Lego Right Now! 

Christy Mack, star of such pornographic films as The Dark Knight XXX and Rambone: A Dream Zone Parody, made a very interesting offer to her fans via Twitter yesterday.

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3. Uncle Sam Wants Your Drug Money

Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that federally insured banks that accept cash deposits from legal marijuana dispensaries in Colorado will not be tried for drug racketeering charges. At least until the next Attorney General comes along and changes that policy.

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4. CNN Hacked, Thus Briefly Looking Sillier Than Usual 

CNN's Twitter account was briefly hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army last night. However, the situation was fixed within minutes and all rogue tweets were deleted. The news site was then able to return to posting actual stories like this:

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5. New Oreos Will Taste Like Uncooked Oreos — 'Cookie Dough' Flavor Hits Shelves

Nabisco has announced that it is releasing a new Cookie Dough-flavored Oreo for you to shove into your face get it in there get it in there just eat it eat them aaaaalllllll aaaaaaaaaggghhhhh!!!!!  They're also releasing a Marshmallow Crispy flavor.

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