5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 30, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 30, 2015
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1. Suge Knight Goes Full Month Without Being Accused Of Murder — REDACTED

Hiphop mogul Suge Knight nearly made it all the way through the first month of the new year without being involved in the killing or attempted killing of a human being. Unfortunately, the co-founder of Death Row Records was arrested and charged with murder early this morning after a fatal hit-and-run incident following a heated altercation on a film set. Next month only has 28 days in it, though, so he's got a much better shot.


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2. Mitt Romney To Step Aside And Let Other Candidates Make Fools Of Themselves

Mitt Romney announced to supporters this morning that he will in all likelihood not be pursuing the Republican nomination for president again. "After putting considerable thought into making another run for president, I've decided it is best to give other leaders in the party the opportunity to become our next nominee," Romney said during a conference call. And it will give many others the opportunity to ruin their political legacies trying in vain to please the party's hardcore conservative base.

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3. Katy Perry To Use Super Bowl Halftime Performance As Opportunity To Show World How Petty And Unlikable She Is

Performing during halftime at the Super Bowl is perhaps the biggest opportunity any performer can have to present him or herself to the world. Pop singer Katy Perry will apparently be using that opportunity to make some kind of a petty jab at her professional rival Taylor Swift. "She wants to make a statement with her performance and show that she is the biggest female act in the world and she wants to show that to everyone including Taylor, who she has a feud with. In Katy's eyes, no one can compete on her level," according to a source of Hollywood Life. Carpe diem!

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4. Senate Passes Keystone Bill So That Obama Can Veto It

The Republican-controlled U.S. Senate has finally finished a process of long deliberations on its controversial Keystone Pipeline bill and the piece of legislation has passed 62-36. Once the particulars are squared with a similar bill that was recently passed by the house, it will proceed to the President's desk, where it will promptly be vetoed and dropped into a trashcan.

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5. Study Finds Link Between Burnt-Tasting Coffee, High Property Values

Economists have recently discovered a "Starbucks Effect" in real estate, which seems to show that chain coffee shops with subpar coffee and Norah Jones music playing on a perpetual loop drive up the property values of nearby homes.

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