1. Cigarette Companies Merge To Create Enormous $27 Billion Smoke Golem Of Death 

Cigarette manufacturers Reynolds American and Lorillard have announced that they are joining together in a $27 billion merger to create a tobacco company capable of engaging in fierce battle with Marlboro on the smoking peaks of Mount Cancer.

2. Rand Paul and Rick Perry Begin Pummeling Each In The Press In Preparation Of GOP Primary Season