1. Why Won't Marvel Release Longform Birth Certificate For New Black Captain America?

Things just keep getting worse for racist, sexist, obsessive nerds who pound their fists upon the presswood surface of their desks in their parents' basements at the very mention of a change in the comic book status quo. One day after View host Whoopi Goldberg shocked the world by announcing that a woman will now be wielding the hammer of Thor, Marvel editor Joe Quesada stepped onto The Colbert Report to announce that a black man will be carrying on the title of Captain America, now that Steve Rogers is an old, wrinkly white dude with a WWII-era understanding of the world. Are there any white, male superheroes left, aside from almost all of them?!