5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 22, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 22, 2014
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1. Robert Downey, Jr. Tops List Of Hollywood Actors Making More Money Than Is Probably Healthy

For the second consecutive year, Sherlock Holmes and Iron Man star Robert Downey, Jr. has been listed as the actor who's pulling in the most dangerously enormous amount of money. With $75 million funneled into his already-overflowing bank account since last June, the charismatic actor out-earned Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson by about $23 million.


2. Air Conditions In Western Wisconsin Are Currently 66% Humidity, 85% Flying Insects

Western Wisconsin residents who live along the Mississippi River are currently experiencing a blight of mayflies so massive that clouds of the flying insects are showing up as weather patterns on radar screens and the entire landscape is covered with a buzzing insectoid blanket. Luckily, the little guys live for under a day, so Midwesterners will only have to deal with billions upon billions of mayfly cadavers in the coming weeks.

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3. Wealthy NYC Tenants To Be Spared Humiliation Of Walking Through Same Door As Poor People

The developers of a new high-rise building in Manhattan have received approval from the city to create one entrance for the wealthy tenants of the structure's luxury apartments and another, separate entrance for foul-smelling poor people who prefer to live in squalor inside the building's low rent hovels. All residents will unfortunately have access to the same nearby streets and sidewalks.

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4. Sheriff Concerned Orange Prison Jumpsuits Might No Longer Be Sufficiently Debasing

The sheriff of Saginaw County, Michigan is a bit perturbed that some prison inmates are still retaining some sense of humanity while wearing the formerly standard-issue bright orange prison jumpsuits. So, he's seeing to it that inmates begin wearing black-and-white striped suits instead. That is until they start not hating them, at which point he'll likely move on to pink or aquamarine or something. Because we can't have our prisoners leaving the system with any lingering shreds of self-worth.

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5. If Philip Seymour Hoffman's Kids Want To Become Spoiled Hollywood Douches, They'll Have To Do It On Their Own

Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was worth about $35 million when he tragically died of a heroin overdose back in February. However, his three children won't be receiving a penny of that money, as the actor apparently wanted to save his kids from the trauma of growing up with as much money as all of their Hollywood children friends.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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