5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 23, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 23, 2014
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 23, 2014

1. Jon Stewart Hoping To Buy Run-Down Fixer-Upper Cable News Network 

Apparently inspired by Rupert Murdoch's recent attempt to purchase media conglomerate Time Warner, Jon Stewart announced on last night's episode of the Daily Show that he would be initiating a Kickstarter campaign to raise the $10 billion necessary to buy cable news network CNN. However, since his campaign does not currently appear on the actual crowd-funding site, it would appear as though he's not fully serious. Which makes sense, as he knows as well as anyone that he'd never be able to get that Wolf Blitzer smell out of the carpets.


2. Gov. Rick Perry To Deploy 1,000 Presidential Campaign Advertisements To U.S. Southern Border   

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has caused some controversy after announcing that he would be sending 1,000 mostly powerless troops from the U.S. National Guard to the border between Texas and Mexico so that they can stand around showing potential voters how serious Rick Perry is about both protecting our borders and being fiscally responsible.

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3. Hollywood Perturbed To Find This Year's Dumb Movie Goers Less Interested In Seeing The Bullshit Movies They Threw Together

The U.S. film industry is facing its worst financial slump in eight years, as movie studios seem incapable of getting audiences to come out en masse and see this year's crop of thrown-together sequels of remakes of sequels and adaptations of children's toys. "They still want to go to the movies. They just want to go to really good movies," media analyst Paul Dergarabedian explained. 

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4. 'Manimal'—The Very Best Worst TV Show Ever—To Be Made Into Mediocre Movie

You know that television show from the '80s that you can't believe actually existed in real life and wasn't just a sketch from the Phil Hartman years of SNL? No, not Max Headroom. Think weirder. Not Misfits of Science, either. Go even worse. Yes, Manimal! That show about the the guy who could transform into any animal he wanted and somehow used that power to fight crime? Well, Will Ferrell's production company is turning it into an ironic nostalgia-bait comedy movie. Finally, right!? Hopefully, it's as good as Land of the Lost!

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5. The First Rule Of The Upcoming 'Fight Club' Sequel Is Talk About It To Everyone You Know 

Obsessive fans of 1996 Chuck Palahniuk's psycho-thriller anarchist novel Fight Club will finally get a sequel that can fill all the holes in their lives that could not be filled with items from the Ikea catalogue. It will apparently be coming in the form of a ten-part graphic novel series to be published through Dark Horse Comics.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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