1. We're 87 Percent Sure That Martin O'Malley Doesn't Really Think He's Going To Win The Democratic Nomination
Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley announced over the weekend that he will be seeking the Democratic nomination for president in 2016. He has yet to clarify whether this is an act of pure delusion or if he maybe just has a book coming out soon.
"Mrs. Clinton, Martin O'Malley is running for president." "When can I absorb his life force?" "Soon ma'am." "I thirst." "Yes, ma'am."— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 30, 2015
2. Big Tobacco Ordered To Pay Smokers $12 Billion, Roughly The Cost Of 13 Packs Of Cigarettes
A Canadian judge has ruled that three of the biggest tobacco companies must pay $12 billion dollars to Quebec smokers for not providing information on the health risks associated with smoking. "The companies earned billions of dollars at the expense of the lungs, the throats, and the general well-being of their customers," Superior Court Justice Brian Riordan wrote. JTI-Macdonald, Imperial Tobacco, and Rothmans, Benson & Hedges say they plan to appeal black, tarry infringement of justice.
surgeon general: smoking kills surgeon specific: you will die November 15th 2037 from complications arising from a tumor in your left lung— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) May 30, 2015
3. Emma Stone Finally Gets The Extremely White-Looking Asian Person Role She Was Born To Play
Academy Award-nominated actress Emma Stone has been making headlines recently for her role as a half-Asian Hawaiian hula dancing expert in Cameron Crowe's new film Aloha. Reactions from the media range from "I'm not buying Emma Stone as an Asian-American in Aloha" to "Literally Why."
I actually recall a scene in Aloha wherein Emma Stone EXPLAINS that she's a white person.— Morgan Evans (@totallymorgan) June 2, 2015
4. Dwayne Johnson To Star In Remake Of 'Big Trouble In Little China' That Literally Nobody Wants To Exist
Twentieth Century Fox announced (probably due to a sense of obligation) that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has for some reason agreed to star in a remake of John Carpenter's 1986 cult-classic action-fantasy film Big Trouble in Little China that some executive probably figured they'd have to get around to making eventually. Sorry to have been the one to inform you.
very excited for emma stone to play wang chi in the remake of 'big trouble in little china'— andy levy (@andylevy) June 1, 2015
5. Weird-Looking Fish Forced To Procreate Without Sex
Scientists have discovered that female sawfish in Florida have been reproducing without engaging in sexual intercourse with male sawfish in the area. These births seem to suggest both that such virgin births may be more common in nature than previously assumed and that Florida fish dudes are just as off-putting as Florida human dudes.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish and hammerhead sharks ever get their crap together— Chessie The Shark (@ChessieShark) May 31, 2015