1. Sepp Blatter Relieves Himself From FIFA
Sepp Blatter has announced that he is resigning as President of FIFA after 17 years on the job. It is assumed that this comes in response to a mounting investigation from the FBI for possible incidents of corruption, though it's always possible that the 79-year-old man simply wants to spend more time collecting bribes from his family.
2. Mike Huckabee Laments The Fact That He's Not Transgender
Mike Huckabee is coming under fire from the media this week for a joke her made about transgender people back in February. "I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE," Huckabee told an audience at the National Religious Broadcasters Convention in Nashville, Tennessee. "I'm pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, 'Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today.'" You see that? Thoughtless, creepy and intolerant all in one comment. That's how you win a GOP primary.
Mike Huckabee sure is doing a great job courting molester-defending, transphobic, straight-up creepy voters.— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) June 2, 2015
Entourage 2: Godzilla v. The Entourage— Adam (@MassageByTed) June 2, 2015
3. Japan's Biggest, Greenest, Scaliest Resident Is Finally A Citizen
Enormous fire-breathing reptile Godzilla has been made an honorary citizen of Japan, thanks to his years of tireless work trampling the buildings of Tokyo. “Godzilla is a character that is the pride of Japan,” Mayor Kenichi Yoshizumi of the Shinjuku ward of Tokyo explained. To put it into terms that Americans can understand, he's sort of like Bill O'Reilly: a destructive, dinosaur-like created that we kind of like for some reason.
Godzilla Is Now an ‘Official’ Citizen of Japan: A special residency certificate for Godzilla has been trending... http://t.co/SQZtIREDRQ— Kamal Faridi (@kamaluf) June 3, 2015
4. George Zimmerman's Defense Is Standing Its Ground On The Other Foot Now
Matthew Apperson—the man who is on trial for shooting George Zimmerman in the face—will use Florida's Stand Your Ground defense. This is the legal tactic that Zimmerman himself made famous when he stood trial for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Though, it should be noted that Zimmerman was not wearing a hoodie when the incident occurred, so that might be a factor.
"We Won't Need Stand Your Ground Laws When Humans Can Fly" By Charlton P. Biggs, Hoverboard salesman— Sarah Burton (@NotRubHarass) June 3, 2015
5. Disney Remaking 'Night On Bald Mountain' Sequence, Probably Spinning It Out Into An Shared Universe Series
Disney studios has announced that it is adapting the iconic "Night on Bald Mountain" animated sequence from 1940's Fantasia into a full-length live action movie. Here's hoping they get Patrick Stewart to play the mountain.
I'm gonna buy an ice cream truck, drive it around blasting ˝Night on Bald Mountain,˝ and award scholarships to kids w/ the balls to step up.— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) June 1, 2012