5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 10, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 10, 2014
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1. Kim Jong Un Wins 100% Of The Vote In Totally Legitimate North Korean Election-Type Thing

Now that supreme leader Kim Jong Un—who was running uncontested in North Korea's national elections yesterday—has walked away with a solid 100% of the vote, everybody can stop questioning the legitimacy of his dystopian dictatorship and accept him as the universally beloved father figure of the country. Nonexistent nameless opponent must be feeling pretty badly about himself today.


2. Florida Might Shut Down A Whole City That's Too Corrupt Even For Florida 

The state of Florida is considering eliminating the small speed trap/city of Hampton, which has less than 500 residents but 17 police officers, who spend all their time collecting speeding tickets from passers-by on the local highway US 301. The $600K they collected in two years is nowhere to be seen, and the mayor is currently in jail for allegedly dealing oxycodone. Apparently, it's just slightly worse than most cities in the state.

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3. Lindsay Lohan, The Human Embodiment Of A Reality TV Show, Now Has Her Own Reality TV Show

Lindsay Lohan's reality television show premiered on Oprah Winfrey's OWN network last night, giving the chain-smoking, drug addicted, deeply troubled former child star just the right amount of intense media scrutiny that she will need to turn her life around for the better.

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4. Actual Human Beings Wait In Line To Get George Zimmerman's Autograph At Florida Gun Show

The media's favorite vigilante George Zimmerman appeared at a gun show in Orlando, Florida over the weekend to sign autographed pictures of himself and his dog. The event was supposed to be held at a larger venue, but it was eventually moved to a small gun shop due to this whole thing being a terrible, terrible idea.

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5. Oral Sex Phone App Finally Gives You An Excuse For Licking Your Phone

The new "Lick This" app teaches smart phone users how to properly give oral pleasure to a female sexual partner. It is apparently based upon the idea that if squeamish guys can get used to running their tongues across their bacteria-covered phone screens, going down there for their girlfriends will seem like nothing.

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