1. Are We Even Pretending That We're Not All Going To Be Wearing These Stupid Apple Watches In Five Years?
While Gizmodo's Mario Aguilar makes a compelling argument for why none of us should buy this first-generation version of the Apple Watch, we're all in agreement that we're all going to buy the watch eventually, right? I mean, not right away! We'll obviously spend a lot of time mocking it and making fun of the people we see wearing it. But then, in a couple months or a couple years, we'll start quietly eyeballing it online and trying to work its $350 selling price into our budgets. This is just the cycle of things. It's best to accept it.
I hope your $10,000 Apple Watch tracks your location so you can be first against the wall when the revolution comes.— Steven Rosenthal (@Rosenthaltweets) March 10, 2015
2. Americans' Interest In Deadly Firearms Is Dangerously Low
A mere 32% of Americans currently live in a household with at least one gun that can accidentally go off and kill them, or be used against them by an intruder, according to a new poll. This is way down from the 1980s, when approximately half of all Americans owned a gun or lived with someone who owned a gun. Of course, back then J.R. Ewing's shooter was still on the loose, so people probably had reason to be nervous.
If you ask me, guns are for wussies. Just speaking my mind on the Internet.— PÄŮŁÝ ÇÂŞÏĽŁĄŠ (@PaulyPeligroso) February 26, 2015
3. 56-Year-Old Woman Who Thinks She's 32 Releases Album For 14-Year-Olds
Madonna's 13th studio album, Rebel Heart, was released online and in physical retail locations that still sell CDs for some reason. The album, which is getting moderately favorable reviews from critics so far, includes collaborations with Kanye West, Diplo, Nicki Minaj and some other musicians that might trick kids into shelling out $10 to hear someone older than their parents trying to act like their junior high friends.
.@Madonna This morning, my rebel heart told me to put goat yogurt in my smoothie, and so I did.— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) March 10, 2015
4. You're Turning Your Special Little Angel Into An Especially Narcissistic Asshole
Telling your children that they are special may result in them becoming narcissistic twerps whom nobody loves later in life, according to a new study from Ohio State University. Instead, parents should remind their children that they are completely replaceable and that regardless of how much they achieve, the universe will ultimately wipe away all trace of their existence. That should lead to much better results.
I wish I were a narcissist just so I could lose some weight.— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) February 27, 2015
5. 'Better Call Saul' Answers All The Questions About Mike We Didn't Know We Wanted To Know
In last night's critically acclaimed episode of AMC's Better Call Saul, viewers were treated to a full hour about a cranky old man who hardly ever talks and doesn't like anything, and it was maybe the best thing on TV in the past six months.
I wish someone would tell me I should watch Better Call Saul!— Barry Rothbart (@barryrothbart) February 24, 2015