5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 17, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 17, 2015
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1. NFL Rookie Throws Away Promising Career To Pursue Dream Of Not Having Brain Damage

San Francisco 49ers linebacker Chris Borland has announced that he is retiring from the NFL after only one season of play, explaining that he would rather live his life as a regular person with a head not full of mashed potatoes than be a celebrated professional football player. “From what I've researched and what I've experienced, I don't think it's worth the risk,” Borland explained to ESPN, utilizing a brain that seems to still be in good working order.


2. Sir Elton John Might Not Know How Boycotts Are Supposed To Work

After superstar fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana made the perplexing and idiotic decision to alienate the gay community by spouting a bunch of retrograde bigotry about gay adoption to the Italian press, Elton John—who has two adopted children with his husband—led the charge to boycott their products. However, the iconic musician may need a refresher course in the rules of boycotting, as, less than one day later, he was photographed on the street with a Dolce & Gabbana shopping bag.

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3. Secret Service Building Fake White House, Presumably To Fool Incredibly Dumb Terrorists

The U.S. Secret Service wants to spend $8 million to build an exact replica of the White House in order to practice protecting the real White House. This will be a "more realistic environment, conducive to scenario-based training exercises," according to Secret Service director Joseph P. Clancy. It will also be a place where they can hone their drunk driving skills without fear of running over the First Lady.


4. Pauper Minister Requires A Mere $65 Million To Purchase New Gulfstream G650 Jet

Down and out televangelist Creflo Dollar is requesting a small $300 donation from all 200,000 members of his congregation so that he can simply afford to buy himself a very modest $65 million private jet. Ugh. It must be really killing him to have to ask for help like this. So humiliating.

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5. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day By Not Celebrating St. Patrick's Day And Watching New 'Community' Episodes Instead

Local authorities are currently predicting violent drunk St. Patrick's Day revelers will be everywhere but your living room tonight, where you are being advised to stay and watch the first two episodes of the sixth season of Community, which has just gone live on Yahoo Screen. Failing that, you may also start getting into that show Peaky Blinders that everyone keeps talking about, or watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for a third time. You should not leave your home and attempt to fraternize with people under any circumstances, as potential consequences include massive headaches, green vomit and having sex with someone who would actually wear this t-shirt in public.

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