1. Putin Calls 'Finders Keepers' With Crimea
While speaking before a cheering Russian parliament earlier today, President Vladimir Putin announced that the Eastern European superpower will be annexing Crimea, which he claimed was "stolen" away from Russia 60 years ago. Must have been particularly tough since they could see it right there. Ukraine didn't even have the courtesy of hiding it in a shed or something.
Pretty sure the best solution to dealing with Putin is to ridicule him on social media. Let's go, gang!— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) March 18, 2014
2. Chris Brown Was Kicked Out Of Rehab For Touching Women Inappropriately And Probably Doing Drugs—So, Essentially For Being Chris Brown
TMZ has uncovered the alleged reason that Chris Brown was forced to leave a court-ordered rehab center and return to prison. The R&B singer—who has had issues with domestic abuse in the past—apparently violated a rule against coming into close contact with or touching women. He also left the facility for a night against orders and refused a drug test upon returning. Funny, that tactic usually works like a charm.
Chris Brown is only 25? It feels like he's been fucking up for decades.— ben schwartz (@benschwartzy) March 14, 2014
3. The Glenn Beck-'My Little Pony' Singularity That We've All Feared Has Finally Arrived
Conservative political activist and media personality Glenn Beck has very commendably—and to the consternation of liberals who enjoy disliking him—announced that he is "standing in solidarity" with a nine-year-old boy who is getting bullied at school for being a fan of My Little Pony. Apparently, he has a soft spot for people who are enamored by fantasy worlds and improbable scenarios.
Listening to Glenn Beck recite the lyrics to "My Way" on the radio. My day cannot get any better than it is right now.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 23, 2014
4. Infomercial Con-Man Kevin Trudeau Man Gets The 10-Year Prison Experience He Doesn't Want Himself To Know About
Kevin Trudeau—the TV pitch guy and author of The Weight Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You to Know About, as well its many, similarly titled and equally B.S. successors—was sentenced by a federal judge to ten years in prison for having "steadfastly attempted to cheat others for his own personal gain." Looks like "they" finally caught up with him.
Infomercial pitchman Kevin Trudeau sentenced to 10 years in prison. But he knows the secret that can get you out of jail in half the time!— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) March 18, 2014
5. There's A Smooth, Smoky Battle Over Whiskey Happening In Tennessee
The manufacturers of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey are up in arms over potential legislation which could make it easier for other companies in the state that are not the Jack Daniel Distillery to market their spirits as "Tennessee whiskey." The company says that allowing other types of distilling processes to use the name could water down their brand. And there's nothing worse than watered down Tennessee whiskey.
All I have is bread, Dr Pepper, and Jack Daniels. My fridge is a suicide note.— Baron Vaughn (@barvonblaq) September 17, 2012