1. Third World War Looms Due To Eastern European Country Most People Didn't Know Existed Two Weeks Ago

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry issued a vague, not-particularly scary threat to Russian President Vladimir Putin in the wake of his country's decision to move military troops into the Crimean region of Ukraine, which many Americans have only recently learned hasn't actually been a part of Russia in about two decades. “He is not going to have a Sochi G-8. He may not even remain in the G-8, if this continues,” Kerry said, implying that the U.S. may boycott the scheduled G-8 summit in Sochi, on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning.