5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 2, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 2, 2015
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 2, 2015

1. The Ghost Of Monica Lewinsky's Dress Haunts Bill Clinton's Official Portrait

A Pennsylvania artist who painted one of President Bill Clinton's official portraits has admitted to sneaking a subtle reference to the Monica Lewinsky scandal into his finished work. "It actually literally represents a shadow from a blue dress that I had on a mannequin, that I had there while I was painting it, but not when he was there," Nelson Shanks explained to Philly.com. "It is also a bit of a metaphor in that it represents a shadow on the office he held, or on him." Is this clever on Shanks' part? Well, that depends on what the definition of "is" is.


2. Burma Discovers Rare And Majestic White Elephant, Throws It Into A Cage For The Rest Of Its Life

The forestry department of Burma has managed to capture a rarely seen albino elephant, believed by many to bring a wealth of good fortune to those who possess it. The incredibly lucky creature now gets to spend the rest of its life in bondage, completely removed from the jungles in which its non-albino friends and family get to roam free.

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3. Internet Pervs Super Angry That Their Perv-Rights Are Being Infringed Upon

Angry masturbators of Reddit are particularly incensed these days, after the website's management team announced that they will begin removing naked photographs of people who ask to have their naked photographs removed. Some angry masturbators feel that this is the beginning of the end for the immoral aspects of the website, while others feel like this is somehow an indictment of them as people. "So we're all guilty until proven innocent?" Margarine_Butter asked. "I'm sorry but that's logically flawed. The burden of proof is one the one claiming the picture is theirs, not on me to prove I'm innocent. That's just not how it works."

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4. Albums To Stop Being Released On Arbitrary Day, Will Start Being Released On Different Arbitrary Day

The International Federation of the Phonographic Industry has announced that new music albums will no longer be released to stores on Tuesdays, as they have for no very good reason for the past several decades. Instead, records will henceforth be released on Fridays, for mildly sort of decent-enough reasons involving the digital nature of today's markezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

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5. Illogically Emotional Human Gives Leonard Nimoy Homage From Outer Space

NASA astronaut Terry Virts paid homage to the recently departed Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy in an emotional, though highly illogical, manner from several miles above the surface of the Earth.

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