5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 22, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 22, 2014
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1. Federal Judge Drags Michigan Kicking And Screaming Into 21st Century—Gay Marriage Ban Struck Down

Michigan began issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples today, one day after a federal judge struck down a ten-year-old ban on gay marriage on the grounds that it violated the U.S. Constitution. Gov. Rick Snyder will appeal the decision, stating, through a spokesperson, that he has an 'obligation' to respect voters' decision to keep the state on the wrong side of history.

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2. Turkey Getting Covered In Graffiti That's A Bit More Informative Than Letting People Know Who Can Eat A Dick

In defiance of a national ban on Twitter, Turkish protesters have been spray painting instructions and IP addresses for bypassing the block on public walls all over Istanbul, essentially utilizing the original form of social media. 

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3. Americans To Celebrate Start Of Spring By Digging Their Cars Out Of A Snowbank

People who are already feeling nostalgic for the Great Winter of 2014 should be happy to learn that a snowy "Nor'easter bomb" will be hitting the east coast on Tuesday. Everyone else should commence with falling onto the ground in the fetal position and crying inconsolably.

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4. Kanye West Accomplishes Life's Mission Of Getting His Fiancee Onto The Cover Of Some Magazine

Hip-hop artist Kanye West has successfully managed to cajole and needle Anna Wintour into featuring his reality-TV-and-sex-tape star fiancee Kim Kardashian on the cover of the fashion magazine Vogue, despite the editor-in-chief's longtime reservations. 

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5. Catholic League Spokesperson Outraged At Being Allowed To March In Gay Pride Parade

Catholic League spokesblowhard Bill Donohue has announced that he will not be marching in New York City's upcoming Gay Pride Parade, despite having applied to do so under a banner reading "Straight Is Great." His stated reason is that the monsters are forcing him to attend an "information session."

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