5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 5, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 5, 2015
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1. Hillary Clinton Will Allow Us To See The Emails She Wants Us To See

Following the recent revelation that, as Secretary of State, she conducted official government business through a personal email account, Hillary Clinton has asked the State Department to release its copies of her emails. However, they will not be publicly available immediately, as it will take some time for federal workers to go through and delete all the ones in which she helped plan the attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi.


2. Legal Pot In Colorado So Dangerous Its Raising Crime In New York City, Says Guy Who Probably Is Not Trying To Be Funny

New York Police Department commissioner Bill Bratton blamed a recent uptick in gun violence in New York City on the availability of legal marijuana in Denver, Colorado. "The seemingly innocent drug that's been legalized around the country. In this city, people are killing each other over marijuana more so than anything that we had to deal with [in the] 80s and 90s with heroin and cocaine," Bratton explained during a press conference earlier this week. It is unknown how long all of the people within earshot continued laughing before we was able to continue speaking.

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3. Wu-Tang Clan's Method Man As Annoyed By That Stupid Secret Wu-Tang Clan Album As Everyone Else

Wu-Tang Clan founding member Method Man recently offered a thoughtful critique of his own band's decision to keep the public from hearing their purposefully rare album, Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, for 88 years. "What do you mean 88 years? Fuck that album. I'm tired of this shit and I know everybody else is tired of it, too. Fuck that album, if that's what they are doing. I haven't heard anything like that, but if they're doing crap like that, fuck that album," Method Man opined. We think that means he is unhappy with this development.

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4. Science: Psychedelic Drugs Are Far Out, Not A Drag

New scientific evidence shows that your friend from college who fried his brain by taking three hits of acid every day for the entire three semesters he lasted in school probably didn't actually fry his brain with the acid, as survey of 135,000 people found no link between psychedelic drug use and mental disorders like schizophrenia. Your friend probably just had problems.

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5. Ringling Bros. Circus To Stop Torturing Elephants For Your Enjoyment

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has announced that it is phasing out its iconic elephant acts by 2018. "This decision was not easy, but it is in the best interest of our company, our elephants and our customers," CEO Kenneth Feld said in a statement. But don't worry, all the other animals will continue to be held and forced to perform against their will in perpetuity.

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