5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 7, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 7, 2014
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1. Conservative Crowd Gives Chris Christie Standing Ovation For His Fine Work In Proving The Dangers Of Government

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie—who has been getting a lot of heat lately over last year's George Washington Bridge incident—found his presidential hopes buoyed somewhat when he received a standing ovation at the Conservative Political Action Conference from an audience full of people who do not trust the government. He seems like their perfect candidate.


2. At Least Some Of Barack Obama And Vladimir Putin's Hour-Long Phone Conversation Was Not Devoted To Speculation Over 'True Detective' Finale

U.S. President Barack Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin spent an hour talking to each other on the phone yesterday afternoon, and—given the escalating tensions surrounding Russia's military presence in Crimea—we can safely assume that no more than half of that time was spent guessing at whether or not Marty is somehow related to the Yellow King and if Carcosa is a real place.

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3. The Human Male's 250K Year Run Draws To Close With Invention Of Orgasm Machine For Women 

As part of its never-ending quest to wipe the human race from the face of the planet, science has now devised a machine capable of providing a full and satisfying orgasm to women with the push of a button. Once such a machine gains the capacity to kill cockroaches in the bathtub and check on noises in the kitchen at 3:30 am, the male gender will be effectively obsolete.

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4. Rep. Paul Ryan Skewers Schools' Unconscionable Practice Of Giving Food To Poor Hungry Children Whom Nobody Loves

While speaking to a CPAC audience yesterday, presidential hopeful Rep. Paul Ryan expressed his concern that giving free lunches to poor children provides "a full stomach — and an empty soul." These kids can probably learn a lot from their wealthier classmates who spent hours slaving away on the stock exchange floor for the money to buy their PB&Js.

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5. Getty Images Gives Away 35 Million Photos That People Were Taking Anyway

You now officially don't have to feel guilty for all those Getty Image photos that you've been using all these years, since the photo service has opted to let people embed their images for free. You also don't have to feel guilty for not having felt guilty in the first place.

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