1. Prince Releases Infectiously Danceable Song About Systemic Racism And Murder
The song of the summer is here, and it's drawing from that bottomless pool of pop music inspiration: the systemic harassment and murder of (mostly) young (mostly) black (mostly) males within an unfair and often racist system of power and authority. Prince premiered his funky new chart-topper "Baltimore"—dedicated to the memory of Freddie Gray, a young, black Baltimorean who recently died in police custody—at a benefit concert called "Rally 4 Peace" over the weekend.
Cops in Baltimore want case dropped, says prosecutor "lacked professional conduct." Yeah. Sucks when that happens, pic.twitter.com/x6WDbr24ZF— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) May 9, 2015
2. Natalie Portman To Play Ruth Bader Ginsburg When She Was Young And Super Hot
Academy Award-winning actress Natalie Portman will be starring in the upcoming film On the Basis of Sex, in which she will play a manic pixie dream lawyer named Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcomes countless obstacles to eventually becomes America's first Jewish female Supreme Court Justice and manages through persistence and whimsy to teach a cranky old judge named Antonin Scalia how to love again. (That last part might not be true.)
@michcoll for years I've said my type is "Natalie Portman in thick old person makeup" so this Ginsburg news is VERY exciting to me.— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) May 8, 2015
3. Glenn Beck Thinks The Government Cares Enough About Him To Bother Killing Him
Conservative provocateur Glenn Beck announced on his Internet show that the recent riots that occurred in Baltimore were in fact set up by the U.S. government in order to give them an excuse for taking control of all the police agencies around the country. As though that news is not unsettling enough, Beck also revealed that he himself will almost certainly be assassinated by federal agents in the coming months to keep the public from having a strong leader. I'm really sorry to be the one to break all this to you. Looks like we have some tough times ahead.
Glenn Beck thinks the Baltimore riots were fake, whereas I think Glenn Beck is a bunch of Teddy Ruxpins sewn into a big white tortilla.— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) May 11, 2015
4. 'American Idol' Will No Longer Be Around For You To Not Watch
Fox has announced that it is canceling its long-running singing competition series American Idol, roughly nine years after the last time you watched an episode and six years since you've known the name of any winner.
I'm sad American Idol is ending only because I thought it might morph into The Hunger Games so slowly we wouldn't even notice.— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) May 11, 2015
5. Scientists Figure Out Decent Enough Reason To Have A Bunch Of Chocolate Around The Lab
Using a collection of x-ray machines and microscopes powerful enough to measure objects on a scale of nanometers, scientists have finally figure out why chocolate gets chalky white after a while. Apparently, it's caused by fat migrating to the chocolate's surface. No word yet on when we'll have a cure for cancer.
My mother once described Godiva's raspberry chocolate truffles as "orgasmic," so guess what gift I never get her anymore?— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 10, 2015