5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 14, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 14, 2015
Advertising
5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 14, 2015

1. 'Simpsons' Producer Wants To Offer Harry Shearer A Deal That Is... Excellent

The news that Harry Shearer is leaving The Simpsons hit the Internet like a ton of bricks this morning, reminding millions of people that the ground-breaking animated comedy is still on the air. The show's producer James L. Brooks, however, is still hoping that he can talk the actor—who provides the voice for roughly eight-sevenths of the characters on The Simpsons—into staying onboard, taking his frustrations over contract negotiations to Twitter, where most business deals are hammered out these days.


2. House Of Representatives Votes Against NSA Data Collection, In Rare Decision To Actually Represent Interests Of The Public

The U.S. House of Representatives voted overwhelmingly to stop the National Security Agency's bulk collection of phone records from American citizens. Now we just need the Senate to do the same, the President to not veto it and the NSA to decide that it feels like following the law. We're almost there, people!

Advertising


3. A Full 40 Percent Of Republicans Don't Think The Government Is Planning To Invade Texas

This is surprising. Forty percent Republican voters do not believe that Barack Obama is preparing to deploy U.S. troops to invade and occupy the state of Texas. That's even more than the 32 percent who do believe in that remarkably silly conspiracy theory. Another 28 percent are still on the fence. You see, this is why the GOP primary debates is going to be the funny series on network television next year.


4. Natalie Portman To Play Every Famous Woman From U.S. History

Just days after we learning that Natalie Portman will play a young Ruth Bader Ginsburg in an upcoming biopic, we're now learning that the Academy Award-winning actress will also be playing former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy in a different upcoming biopic. I really hope these two roles leave time in her schedule to play Gloria Steinem, Ayn Rand, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Grandma Moses, Louisa May Alcott and Sojourner Truth. Those are all the roles that she was born to play.

Advertising


5. Dane Cook Banned From The Laugh Factory For Acting Like Dane Cook

Dane Cook was reportedly banned from L.A.'s Laugh Factory comedy club for life after allegedly harassing a waitress, getting into a heated altercation with the club's owner and throwing his celebrity status around, yelling "I own this place!" I don't get it. They did know that he was Dane Cook when he walked into the place, didn't they?

Advertising