5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 25, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 25, 2014
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1. That One Guy Who, Like, Raps And Stuff Married That Lady With The Butt From That TV Show Your Sister Watches

Professional famous people Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were finally married for the second time in Florence, Italy yesterday. The ceremony was reportedly like something out of a fairy tale. Particularly that one about the two disgustingly wealthy narcissists who totally deserve one another, whatever it's called. 


2. Breaking News: Jay Z and Beyoncé Attended Zero Weddings This Weekend

Hip-hop and R&B artists Jay Z and Beyoncé Knowles drew headlines this weekend by quietly enjoying themselves in the Hamptons and not attending any world-shattering matrimonial unions between fame-mongering attention-starved adult children.


3. Norwegian Man Has Pleasant Evening At Home, Eating His Own Hip

A Norwegian artist—who somehow managed to talk doctors into taking his flesh-covered hip bone home with him after hip replacement surgery—has reported that his meat has the "flavour of wild sheep." Because, yes, he ate it. "I made myself dinner while my girlfriend was at work," he explained, "and I just resolved to have this really nice moment, with me and my hipbone."

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4. Here Is The Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger You Foresaw In Your Nightmares

Because fair customers don't generally go in for boring health food options like piles of meat and cheese inside bread, one stand at the San Diego County Fair will be replacing the buns of their triple cheeseburgers with Kripsy Kreme donuts. Hopefully, this is being served close to the cardiologist stand. 

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5. E-Cigarette Producers Finally Give Humanity The Chance To Smoke A Tootsie Roll

General Mills. the Girl Scouts of America and Tootsie Roll Industries have all sent cease and desist notices to e-cigarette manufacturers in an effort to keep them from selling nicotine flavors such as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Thin Mint and Tootsie Roll. And just when we were about to realize our full potential as a civilization.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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