1. U.S. Government Refuses To Share Osama Bin Laden's Huge Stash Of Porn
Top U.S. intelligence officers have released a cache of documents recovered from Osama bin Laden's secret hideout in Pakistan, but they remain steadfast in their refusal share any of the vast quantities of pornography the al Qaeda leader had reportedly been hoarding. Total non-bro behavior, bros! Seriously uncool!
The U.S. just released a list of the books found on bin Laden's bookshelf. But with all that porn he watched, I doubt he read any of them.— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) May 20, 2015
2. Rick Santorum To Bring Frothy Mixture Of Conservative Ideals And Populist Rhetoric To GOP Primaries
Former senator Rick Santorum announced today that he is joining the already overcrowded race to become the Republican Party's candidate for president. Despite coming within striking distance of overtaking Mitt Romney as the GOP candidate in 2012, he's currently ranked tenth in a recent Quinnipiac poll. However, he should move up in estimation as we get closer to sweater vest season.
Rick Santorum running for president is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy by laughing at Rick Santorum.— Brian Boone (@brianadamsboone) May 27, 2015
3. Democrats And Republicans Come Together In Spirit Of Getting Shitfaced On The Cheap
Republican and Democratic lawmakers are reaching across the aisle in order to pass some extremely important legislation that could improve life for conservatives and liberals alike. The Distillery Innovation and Excise Tax Reform Act, if passed, will reduce the tax rate for liquor from $13.50 per proof gallon to $2.70 per proof gallon on the first 10K gallons produced. "There's a lot of red tape involved in getting a new distillery off the ground and this bill helps reduce that burden," explains Republican Todd Young, who co-sponsored the bill with Democrat John Yarmuth. It's brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
I'm one of those "I always carry exact change to the liquor store" drunks.— Paige (@love_always2093) May 27, 2015
4. Tomorrow's Make-Believe Planetary Alignment Probably Won't Trigger The End Of Human Civilization
According to credible scientists, the planetary alignment that's not actually happening tomorrow will, in all likelihood, not cause a massive 9.8 earthquake along the San Andreas fault in California, triggering the destruction of civilization as we know it. "Let me be clear: No, it won't. It can't. Worse, there's not even really an alignment on that date, at least not with the Earth. It's all baloney," astronomer Phil Plait declared on his blog. On the other hand, your dad's friend made a pretty good case for it in a Facebook post, so I don't know. Let's say 60-40 it won't happen.
I just placed a small German man in my earthquake preparedness kit.— daveanthony (@daveanthony) May 20, 2015
5. Thousands Of Teens Are Trying To Summon A Mexican Demon When Millions Of American Demons Remain Unsummoned
Kids all over the world are suddenly obsessing over a game that supposedly summons a Mexican demon named Charlie to the realm of humanity. By stacking one pencil on top of another, a person theoretically pulls a spirit of unfathomable evil and power from its slumber in the spirit plane, so that it may tell you whether or not that cute boy in Geometry class wants to make out with you.
If u are doing the Charlie Charlie challenge do not ask me for a pencil when you just gave yours to the Mexican Demon!!!— syd (@sydneysellerss) May 27, 2015