1. Former House Speaker Indicted For Doing An Exceptionally Bad Job At Covering Up Misconduct
Dennis Hastert—former Speaker of the House and current high-paid lobbyist—was indicted yesterday by a federal grand jury for allegedly attempting to pay an unknown person $3.5 million to cover up some sort of "past misconduct." We still don't know what this misconduct is, so I guess that means it worked?
Waaaaaayyy more curious about what Denny Hastert allegedly paid to cover up than how he went about paying for it. As is, you know, everyone.— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) May 29, 2015
2. People With Erotic Fixations On Goggles Get Some Great News
Your favorite porn stars might soon have to wear protective eye gear while banging away for the cameras, if new rules proposed by California's Division of Occupational Safety and Health Standards end up going through. "These are regulations designed for medical settings, and are unworkable on an adult film set — or even a Hollywood film set," Free Speech Coalition CEO Diane Duke said in a statement. I actually think this is workable, just so long as they start phasing in machining plants as a common locale for hot sex.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. And then a couple of tabs so he can toggle between various genres of porn.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 29, 2015
3. California's Biggest Lake Is Getting The Hell Out Of There
It's bad enough that California is in the midst of one of the biggest droughts it's experienced in years, but now it seems as though the state's largest lake is picking up and moving to someplace less dry: the sky. The Salton Sea, located in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, is quickly evaporating into a mere pond of its former self, leaving behind dry and powdery lake bed soil that could pose an environmental hazard if large amounts of it were stirred into the air.
DROUGHT SEXT: Let's go to some hourly motel by the airport and waste water.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 26, 2015
4. Jon Stewart Laments All The Dumb Political Campaigns He'll Never Get To Make Fun Of
As the Republican primary gets increasingly jam-packed, Jon Stewart appeared genuinely saddened on last night's Daily Show as he considered the fact that he will not be around to relentlessly mock the candidates as they scramble over one another trying to say the dumbest things.
It might be easier for the GOP to just tell us who's not in the Republican primary.— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) May 28, 2015
5. Your New Tattoo Might Result In An Unsightly Skin Condition, But Not In The Way You Were Planning
According to new research, ten percent of all tattoos result in short term skin reactions such as rashes, infections and swelling, while six percent cause skin irritations that last up to four months. According to old research from my mother, 100 percent result in deep-seated regret.
How many Michelin stars did that neck tattoo get you?— William_Shartner (@Blarebare) May 26, 2015