5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 29, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 29, 2015
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1. Former House Speaker Indicted For Doing An Exceptionally Bad Job At Covering Up Misconduct

Dennis Hastert—former Speaker of the House and current high-paid lobbyist—was indicted yesterday by a federal grand jury for allegedly attempting to pay an unknown person $3.5 million to cover up some sort of "past misconduct." We still don't know what this misconduct is, so I guess that means it worked?


2. People With Erotic Fixations On Goggles Get Some Great News

Your favorite porn stars might soon have to wear protective eye gear while banging away for the cameras, if new rules proposed by California's Division of Occupational Safety and Health Standards end up going through. "These are regulations designed for medical settings, and are unworkable on an adult film set — or even a Hollywood film set," Free Speech Coalition CEO Diane Duke said in a statement. I actually think this is workable, just so long as they start phasing in machining plants as a common locale for hot sex.

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3. California's Biggest Lake Is Getting The Hell Out Of There

It's bad enough that California is in the midst of one of the biggest droughts it's experienced in years, but now it seems as though the state's largest lake is picking up and moving to someplace less dry: the sky. The Salton Sea, located in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, is quickly evaporating into a mere pond of its former self, leaving behind dry and powdery lake bed soil that could pose an environmental hazard if large amounts of it were stirred into the air.

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4. Jon Stewart Laments All The Dumb Political Campaigns He'll Never Get To Make Fun Of

As the Republican primary gets increasingly jam-packed, Jon Stewart appeared genuinely saddened on last night's Daily Show as he considered the fact that he will not be around to relentlessly mock the candidates as they scramble over one another trying to say the dumbest things.



5. Your New Tattoo Might Result In An Unsightly Skin Condition, But Not In The Way You Were Planning

According to new research, ten percent of all tattoos result in short term skin reactions such as rashes, infections and swelling, while six percent cause skin irritations that last up to four months. According to old research from my mother, 100 percent result in deep-seated regret.

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