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1. Steve Ballmer Agrees To Be L.A. Clippers' Newest Maniacal Billionaire Overlord

Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has decided that he will magnanimously part with $2 billion of his immense personal fortune in order to save the Los Angeles Clippers from having to have an unimaginably wealthy, amoral egotist as an owner. Hopefully, he will run his basketball team with the same unrelenting drive for quality and innovation with which he ran his tech company.