1. Manny Pacquiao Being Sued By Fans For Failure To Disclose That He's Kind Of A Punk Ass
Boxer Manny Pacquiao—as well as the promoters of his recent highly publicized match—are facing numerous class-action lawsuits on behalf of gamblers who were delusional enough to put money on him beating Floyd Mayweather and boxing fans who were dumb enough to pay $100 to watch a boxing match on TV. Pacquiao, the suits contend, should have disclosed that he was harboring a shoulder injury. Also, he should have been better at his job.
Maybe the moral of the story is don't pay so much money to watch boxing?
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) May 3, 2015
2. U2 Forces Subway Station Full Of Innocent People To Listen To Their Music
Members of the Irish pop-rock band U2 have returned to their hobby of foisting their music upon unsuspecting people who just want to go about their lives without listening to their music. The band performed a surprise concert in the subterranean passages underneath New York City's Grand Central Station on Monday.
Finally listened to that U2 album that showed up on my phone and it's actually just 48 minutes of Bono laughing while sorting money.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) March 11, 2015
3. Nebraska Woman Suing Every Gay Person Everywhere For Illegally Being Gay
A 66-year-old Nebraska woman is suing the global population of homosexuals in its entirety for sinful, immoral behavior on behalf of the plaintiffs, "God, and His Son, Jesus Christ." Sylvia Driskell is asking a U.S. district judge to decide if homosexuality "is a sin, or not a sin." Please keep Driskell v. Homosexuals in mind when you're trying to figure which side of the argument you'd like to be on.
"its easier to hate than learn a new thing" - homophobes and also people that only like the original 150 pokemon
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 10, 2014
4. Feminist Bullies Steal Cowering Conservatives' Anti-Feminism Hashtag
After radio host Doc Thompson asked his legions of conservative Twitter followers for "tips on #HowToSpotAFeminist???," something sadly predictable happened. A bunch of mean-spirited, liberal feminsists swooped in and took the hashtag away from him, using it as an opportunity to spread their dangerous message of rationality and equality. Isn't that just like a woman? Always take, take, take.
#HowToSpotAFeminist Look in the mirror. Do you believe in equality for all people? If yes, congratulations! You have spotted a feminist.
— The UnSlut Project (@UnSlutProject) May 5, 2015
5. Reese Witherspoon Strives For Gwyneth Paltrow Levels Of Respect
Unhappy with simply being the most adorable thing on two legs with 50,000 teeth, Reese Witherspoon is jumping into the lifestyle business, just like Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow. DraperJames.com—named for her grandparents Dorothea Draper and William James—is a website designed to help you "bring contemporary, yet timeless Southern style to your wardrobe and your home" and live more Witherspoon-ish lives.
Reese Witherspoon can't even sit on a bench without being cute about it.
— Shira Danan (@sdpop42) March 4, 2015