5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 7, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 7, 2014
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 7, 2014

1. America Is Close To Getting The 'American Idol' Congressperson It Totally Deserves

Former American Idol contestant Clay Aiken currently leads his opponent by less than than 400 votes in the Democratic primary for North Carolina's 2nd congressional district. Should he pull of a narrow victory, the openly gay singer will face Republican State Rep. Thom Tillis in the final contest on November 4. It is currently unknown which songs both men will sing that night, but we recommend Aiken pull "Bridge Over Troubled Water" out of his bag again. That one should really resonate with voters in tough economic times.


2. Michael Sam Informs NFL Fans That They've Been Cheering For A Bunch Of Gay Dudes All This Time

Though statistician Nate Silver gives Michael Sam a 50-50 chance of being drafted by an NFL team this week, the openly gay former defensive end for the University of Missouri informed football fans everywhere that there are already plenty of gay men playing in the league. "I have gotten messages from college and NFL players and other athletes…about how courageous I was," Sam stated in an interview with Good Morning America. "Them, themselves are closeted homosexuals. Yeah, I'm not the only one. There's a lot of us. I heard from a good portion of 'em." 

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3. Convict Whom Jack Black Played In 'Bernie' Gets Out Of Jail And Moves Into The Garage Of That Film's Director Because Real Life Is Way, Way Weirder Than Movies

Bernie Tiede—the convicted murderer whom Jack Black portrayed in Richard Linklater's 2012 film Bernie—has been released from prison and will begin living in Linklater's garage apartment. We doubt it'll end up resulting in a sequel. Seems too unbelievable.

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4. Monica Lewinsky Finally Ends Her Silence About The Affair That Nobody Else Was Even Remotely Silent About

Former presidential page Monica Lewinsky gave two-decade-old hacky stand-up jokes a new lease on life when she finally opened up about her short-lived affair with President Bill Clinton in an article she wrote for Vanity Fair. "I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton," she wrote in the article. "Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened."

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5. 'Mighty Morphin Power Rangers' Finally Gets The Movie Reboot Nobody Was Clamoring For

A new film version of the 1990s colorful, sci-fi action kid's show Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is apparently in the works. "We think this is a really great idea, and we're certain that it will perform amazingly at the box office," said absolutely nobody anywhere.

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