1. NFL Findings: New England Patriots Definitely Probably Cheated (Maybe)
An NFL investigative team has definitively found that the New England Patriots might have maybe been purposefully circumventing official rules when they introduced slightly under-inflated footballs into game play during their championship 2014 season. According to a recently released 243-page report, quarterback Tom Brady was "at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities." This minor, overblown incident will likely remain a slightly off-white mark on his reputation for months to come.
What did Hillary know about the Patriots deflating footballs and when did she know it???
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) May 6, 2015
2. ISIS Opens Luxury Hotel For Relaxation, Weddings And Beheadings
Terrorist organization ISIS has just reopened the luxurious Ninawa International Hotel in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul. The resort features swimming pools, tennis courts and a large reception area for weddings. Guests who fail to comply with ISIS's strict interpretation of Sharia law will face flogging, amputation or decapitation. Reservations are being taken now.
I tried to Pay it Forward, but ISIS was in front of me, and now I've funded terrorism
— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) May 5, 2015
3. Kylie Jenner Hounded Into Shamefully Admitting She Had A Little Work Done
After great speculation in the media and online, Kylie Jenner—the 17-year-old reality television star who rose to fame based upon her older sisters' looks, media savvy and willingness to be filmed having sex—has finally admitted that she underwent a minor cosmetic procedure to make her lips appear more full than they truly are. "I have temporary lip fillers, it's just an insecurity of mine and it's what I wanted to do," she says in a clip from an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. "I'm just not ready to talk to reporters about my lips yet because everyone always picks us apart." It is not often that we see this dark side of celebrity culture.
Kylie Jenner's 17 and dating a guy who's 25. But sure, let's talk about how age-inappropriate her lip injections are.
— :: shauna :: (@goldengateblond) May 7, 2015
4. McDonald's To Find Some Way To Make Kale Unhealthy
In its continued effort to reinvent itself, McDonald's is experimenting with adding kale to its breakfast menu in nine locations. It should be noted that all nine locations are in California, so this might just be a regional thing, the way the chain offers Teriyaki burgers in Japan or Vegemite in Australia.
McDonald's is selling kale now but if I'm going to McDonald's I want to regret my food choices and hate my life
— barb (@marshhmallowww) May 7, 2015
5. CBS Buys 'Supergirl' Series That Will Probably Be Off-Puttingly Depressing And Dark
CBS has announced that it will be adding Supergirl—starring Glee's Melissa Benoist in the titular role—to its lineup for the 2015-16 season. Although other DC Comics adaptations Arrow and The Flash have been performing well on CW, this is considered a bit of a gamble because of the lead character's sex and the fact that people are just so frustratingly stupid.
"It's a bird! No, it's a plane. No, it's a bird!" -Londoner seeing Supergirl
— (maura) (@behindyourback) May 7, 2015