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1. David Cameron To Be Re-Crowned King Of British Parliament Or Something

U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron and his merry band of Conservatives successfully managed to get their rivals in the Labor Party into checkmate, thus forcing them into the River Thames where they shall remain until a hero rises who can pull the sword Excalibur out from Big Ben. Or, at least, that how I understand British politics to work. At any rate, Cameron was re-elected.


2. Hero Woman Fighting The Good Fight, Overcharging Airline Company For Minor Inconveniences

A woman is suing United Airlines for $5 million after the DirecTV and wifi access for which she paid $8 failed to work during her four hour flight from Puerto Rico to Newark, N.J. The airline company sold her the service, knowing full well that neither works outside the continental United States or over water. In a statement, United Airlines explained that "we clearly inform our passengers in writing on the screen before they confirm their purchase." Apparently, while the DirecTV and wifi are unavailable, the money-taking technology functions just fine.