5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 10, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 10, 2014
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1. GOP Stumbled Upon Anti-Obamacare Tactic So Stupid It Might Actually Work

Conservative opponents of Obamacare have recently discovered that the answer to their problem of poor people having health care may lie in four small words in a subsection of the  Affordable Care Act. Due to some legal gymnastics that are too boring to go into here, a creative reading of the phrase "established by the State" could, in effect, disqualify the law in 36 states. The argument is somewhat absurd. So, naturally, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear it. 


2. Amy Schumer Triumphantly Shatters Comedy Central's Glass P-Word

Comedian Amy Schumer has done all of humanity a great service. For years now, the word "dick" has been proudly flaunted on Comedy Central while its female counterpart remained hidden behind a post-production beep. The sketch comedy star has now successfully lobbied the basic cable channel for the right to use the word "pussy" on air, sans shame. The word's inaugural use on the channel can be heard in the clip below:

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3. Blacks, Gays And Jews Can Finally Realize Their Longstanding Dream Of Joining Ridiculous Hate Group

A Montana-based wing of the Ku Klux Klan is making history by opening its membership rolls to a number of groups whom the white supremacist terror group has historically worked to subjugate. Blacks and whites, gays and straights, Jews and Christians—they can finally join hands together in the solidarity of absurd, anachronistic notions of hatred and jingoism. Martin Luther King would have been so proud.

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4. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Officially Begins 2016 Election Season

Less than a week after midterm elections, presidential hopeful Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker lobbed a thinly-veiled insult at fellow Wisconsinite Sen. Paul Ryan, who is expected to be a strong candidate for the GOP nomination. Declaring to Politico that "governors make much better presidents than members of Congress," Walker dropped the gauntlet and lifted the curtain on the clown show that will be the 2016 presidential election cycle.

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5. Scientists Spending An Awful Lot Of Time And Energy Finding Out All There Is To Know About Bird That Doesn't Even Exist Anymore

Just because the Dodo has now been extinct for more than three centuries is no reason for scientists to slow down on finding out everything they can about the flightless bird. Using 3D lasers and computers to intricately study every aspect of Dodo skeletons, researchers have made great strides recently in our understanding of these creatures. This will all come in very handy if one of the odd-looking animals waddles out of the woods one day.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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