5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 11, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 11, 2013
Advertising
5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 11, 2013

1. Guy Nails His Balls To The Ground In Protest Rather Than Simply Change His Facebook Picture For A Week

Russian performance artist Pyotr Pavlensky nailed his testicles to the cobblestone street in Moscow's Red Square to protest his country's transformation into a "police state"  as well as the "apathy, political indifference and fatalism of Russian society." Pavlensky, who was later taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries, faces up to 15 days in jail for the act. Apparently, nobody told him he could've just downvoted some post about Putin on Reddit.


2. L.A. Schools To Stop Giving Out iPads Since Students Keep Trying To Have Fun With Them

Los Angeles public schools have decided to temporarily stop giving iPads to low-income students until they can figure out how to make certain the devices cannot be used for anything even remotely resembling fun. Students have apparently been hacking the tablets — which are supposed to be used solely for taking tests, doing homework and "playing" educational-based games — so that they can be used for social media, YouTube and probably creating porn to send to one another.

Advertising


3. Senior Citizens Falling Prey To Con Artists Exploiting Obamacare Confusion Instead Of Falling Prey To Con Artists Exploiting Something Else

Unscrupulous con artists have been taking advantage of the confusion generated by Obamacare's remarkably poor implementation to do what con artists have doing since the invention of unscrupulousness: exploiting old people's confusion with new concepts and their deep-seated need for human contact to steal all of their money.

Advertising


4. U.S. Inundated With Flood Of Well-Behaved, Highly-Motivated, Education-Seeking Foreigners

According to a report from the State Department, a record number of foreign students, including a huge influx from China, are currently studying in U.S. colleges and universities, stealing our precious information and and taking it back to their home countries to be used for who knows what. Foreign stuff, most likely.

Advertising


5. Old White Guy Wins Texas Election By Pretending To Be Black Stock Photo Model

Old white conservative Texas politician Dave Wilson won a seat on the Houston Community College Board from a 24-year incumbent the old fashioned way: He pretended to be black. His website and pamphlets, which display not a hint of what he actually looks like, were purposely designed to give the impression that he was probably one of the black guys whose pictures he downloaded from the Internet to be used for promotional purposes. He even managed to secure an endorsement from the Ron Wilson. And by the Ron Wilson, I don't mean the local African American legislator. I mean Dave Wilson's cousin Ron.

Advertising

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 11, 2013


Bonus Thing: Please Feel Free To Eat All Of The White Chocolate-Flavored Pringles In The World

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 11, 2013

Really, be our guest. No, no, no. Don't feel the need to save any of them for us. We'll be fine. You just go ahead and enjoy this festive holiday treat all on your own. Oh, and maybe wash them down with every drop of mint-flavored soda on Earth.

Advertising
Advertising