1. Alec Baldwin's New Stalker Courtroom Drama Would Actually Be Entertaining If It Weren't Real Life
Alec Baldwin delivered a stunning and heartfelt performance, complete with a crying scene, that's making audiences across America stand up and cheer as a man pushed to his limits by a "stalker" with whom he had totally not had consensual sex in the New York production of "Alec Baldwin's Media Circus Court Case," co-starring Genevieve Sabourin as the jilted "stalker" with whom Baldwin had totally not had consensual sex.
Every time I hear that Alec Baldwin is in court, I get confused and think someone is screening "Malice."— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) November 13, 2013
2. Blindfolded Groom Discovers His Big Surprise Is Long Fall To Certain Death
New evidence shows that newlywed bride Jordan Graham likely blindfolded her husband of eight days just moments before pushing him from a cliff at the Glacier National Park in Montana. If this is the case, that would make Cody Johnson's death an act of premeditated third-degree murder, while simultaneously making Cody Johnson the recipient of the worst honeymoon surprise ever.
Fun Game: Blindfold someone, spin them around three times, and push them off a cliff— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 20, 2013
3. British Hotel Apparently Has "No Naked Masturbation With Fire Extinguisher Up The Bum" Rule They Didn't Bother To Post
One patron of London's Premier Inn found out the hard way that, despite a definite lack of signage indicating this, the management frowns upon guests stripping naked, sticking the nozzle from a fire extinguisher up their ass and masturbating and/or peeing all over the place. In shared areas at any rate. You'd think, if it was that big a deal, they'd mention it at check-in. No word on whether the place where he had his next stay, one of London's jail cells, shared such stringent policies.
No man has the strength not to masturbate 15 seconds after checking into a hotel room.— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 6, 2013
4. One World Trade Center Named Western Hemisphere's Tallest Building — Underdog New Yorkers Finally Win Something
The Chicago-based Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat yesterday ruled that New York City's One World Trade Center, with it's big multicolored flashing spire reaching 1,776 feet, did indeed qualify as the hemisphere's tallest building, overtaking Chicago's own Willis Tower, standing a measly 1,451 feet. New York City celebrated the win by continuing its unbroken streak as the smuggest place on Earth.
One World Trade Center declared USA's tallest eyesore. Terrorists quake, "If they'll do this to their own NYC, what will they do to us?"— lanyard (@lanyardigan) November 12, 2013
5. Whitey Bulger To Find Out Today He Will Spend Rest Of Life In Prison
Boston mob leader Whitey Bulger will today be handed his sentence by a federal judge for 11 killings, as well as a whole bunch of racketeering, extortion and money laundering. Federal prosecutors urged the judge to deliver a life sentence. Though, for an 84-year-old, that's not saying all that much.
Whitey Bulger? Sounds like a cereal for honkies.— L.B. Johnson (@ladybirdj) August 12, 2013