1. U.S. And China Strike Historic Accord To Destroy Earth At Slightly Slower Rate

President Barack Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping—leaders of the two biggest pollution-creating nations in the world—have agreed to act as though they will cut carbon emissions by 28 percent over the course of the next 11 years, with the obvious assumption that by the time 2025 rolls around, people will have forgotten this ever happened or we'll all be underwater.