1. MSNBC Suspends Alec Baldwin For Behaving Like Alec Baldwin

The MSNBC news network has decided to suspend Alec Baldwin's month-old program for two weeks following an incident in which the actor and host referred to a photographer on the street as a "cocksucking fag." Baldwin, who has a history of tossing around homophobic insults, maintains that he actually used the word "fathead." The entirety of the world is currently preparing to apologize to him for the grievous misunderstanding.