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1. You Might Have To Shove Less Turkey Into Your Fat Face This Thanksgiving Thanks To Butterball's Turkey Shortage

Butterball — the leading supplier of turkeys to Americans' big fat fucking faces — announced that it will be sending out 50% fewer fresh turkeys 16 pounds and bigger this year, due to a "decline in weight gains on some of [their] farms causing a limited availability of large, fresh turkeys." This means that many people may not get to eat themselves into a tryptophan-induced coma this year, having instead to settle for a tryptophan-induced really deep sleep.