5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 20, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 20, 2013
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1. R2-D2, But More Specifically A CGI Version Of R2-D2 Will Appear In Star Wars: Episode VII

Disney and LucasFilm have confirmed that Star Wars: Episode VII screenwriter Lawrence Kasden and director J.J. Abrams will be figuring out some way to shoehorn beloved astromech droid R2-D2 into the highly-anticipated next installment of the popular continually-disappointing sci-fi film series. Probably the ghost of Yoda will possess and control him of some such shit. 


2. Stephen Colbert Responds To Critics Who Say Walmart Isn't Doing Enough With Food Drive — "They're Wrong, Walmart Isn't Doing Anything"

Stephen Colbert weighed in last night on that story about the Ohio Walmart location that's trying to help its needy employees by getting its needy employees to donate food to each other. "These bins are for Walmart employees to donate to other employees," he said. "And where can Walmart's low wage workers find cheap food to donate? Walmart."

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3. Kansas City's New Waterslide Is Even Scarier Than Having To Be In Kansas City

The Verruckt  Meg-A-Blaster in Kansas City, Kansas is still being built, but it is expected to be "the world’s tallest, fastest and most extreme waterslide," dwarfing Brazil's 134.5-foot tall waterslide "Insano." The a four-person raft slide should exceed speeds of 65 miles per hour hurling terrified riders down toward the existentially-distressing nightmare existence of Kansas below.

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4. That 14% Black White Supremacist Guy Will Now Have The Opportunity To Join Either A Black Or White Gang In Prison

86% of Craig Cobb — the white supremacist who delighted the world by discovering in front of a live audience that his genes are not the pure as white driven snow hallmarks of his racist ideology that he thought they were — is probably pretty happy to see the other 14% of himself placed behind bars for menacing people with a gun.

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5. Courts Decide To Not Not Un-Give Joseph Franklin A Stay Of Non-Execution, or To Put It More Plainly, He's Dead Now

After many backs and forths and reversals of fortune and changes of mind and ups and downs and all kinds of miscellaneous foofaraw, the U.S. court system finally got its shit together and decided on whether or not to execute Joseph Paul Franklin, the serial killer most noteworthy for shooting Penthouse publisher Larry Flynt. He was executed in Missouri at around 6 am. Though, it remains a possibility that that decision will be overturned.

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