5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 7, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 7, 2014
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1. SCOTUS Is Going To Have To Decide On Gay Marriage Whether It Wants To Or Not

A federal judge from the 6th US Circuit Court of Appeals upheld gay marriage bans in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee, thus pretty much guaranteeing that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy—as the court's sole swing voter—will have to decide the matter on a national scale. This will also give Justice Antonin Scalia an opportunity to oppose marriage equality in defiance of every other legal decision he's made in the course of his career.


2. GOP Hasn't Even Officially Taken Over Senate Yet, And It Already Returned Unemployment Rates To Pre-Obama Levels

It hasn't even been a week since the Republican Party wrested control of the Senate away from the Democrats, and we're already seeing the unemployment rate drop down to 5.8 percent, the lowest it's been since July 2008, way back before Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential primary. Expect plenty of commentators on Fox News to make this eminently salient point.

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3. Pixar Announces It's Going To Break Your Heart For Fourth Time With New 'Toy Story' Movie

You've now had seven years to recover from the gut-wrenching denouement of the original Toy Story trilogy, so it's probably time to put yourself through the wringer all over again. Pixar has just announced that it will be releasing a brand new installment to the series in 2017. That gives you about three years to practice your not-crying face.

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4. Channing Tatum Now Officially Cool, Joins Cast Of New Tarantino Film

It is suddenly totally fine for straight dudes all over the world to stare longingly into the deep folds of muscle tone belonging to exotic-dancing Magic Mike star Channing Tatum. The chiseled-from-alabaster actor has just joined Kurt Russell, Tim Roth, Samuel L. Jackson and a bunch of already-bro-acceptable actors in Quentin Tarantino's upcoming film, The Hateful Eight.

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5. New 'Star Wars' Movie To Continue Proud Tradition Of Crappy Titles

The people behind the beloved space opera film series that gave us such classic titles as A New Hope, The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones just announced the newest silly-sounding title that we'll all eventually get used to: The Force Awakens. Don't worry; eventually, you'll forget how underwhelming that is. Kind of like how you forgot how awful the name Star Wars actually is.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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