1. New Jersey Braces Itself For Absolutely No Consequences As Gay Marriage Becomes Legal
At midnight last night, Newark mayor (and senator-elect) Cory Booker, along with other mayors and officials across New Jersey, began marrying gay couples as marriage equality officially became state law. Based upon occurrences in other states following marriage equality, Garden State residents are preparing themselves for a shitstorm of barely noticing a difference other than once in a while hearing a dude casually refer to his "husband."
Booker: "alright, it is officially passed midnight. Marriage is equal in New Jersey." Cheers in the rotunda. pic.twitter.com/UaFQwEGfV5— Ruby Cramer (@rubycramer) October 21, 2013
When gay marriage haters say it will lead to humans marrying animals, they always lick their lips sexually before saying "slippery slope."— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) October 6, 2013
2. Asshole Quadriplegic Has The Audacity To Parks His BMW In A Handicapped Spot
Some jagoff in Grand Rapids, Michigan who lacks the use of both his arms and legs returned to his BMW after a game of wheelchair rugby at the local YMCA to find an angry note from some brave person who called the quadriplegic to task for parking in a handicapped parking space that could have gone to a sexiplegic, or maybe even an octoplegic. "I would love to see your wheelchair! I'm guessing male 25-35 years professional who thinks he's got the world by the ass," the note-leaver wrote, before adding, "But I could be wrong." Always a good thing to add on at the end, because, you know, you don't wanna come off like an presumptuous douchebag.
If if was at the Paralympics and I saw one of the athletes park in a non-handicapped space, I would flip the fuck out.— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) September 6, 2012
3. Turns Out The Witness Against Whitey Bulger Did Not Die Of Natural Causes
Believe it or not, a 59-year-old potential witness against mobster Whitey Bulger — who stopped moving, breathing and living over the summer — did not die of old age. A Massachusetts medical examiner found that the alleged extortion victim died of acute cyanide toxicity. However, authorities say the homicide is not related to the Bulger trial and have charged the man's business partner with the crime.
Whitey Bulger was convicted on 31 of 32 counts by a jury of his peers, who then turned and whacked each other.— Adam Carl (@AdamWearsPants) August 12, 2013
4. Seems Like You Can't Even Board A Flight With A Dozen Or So Knives Anymore
A Long Island man was charged with two counts of criminal possession of a weapon after attempted to board a flight at JFK Airport in New York while carrying more than a dozen knives, a bunch of lighters, several pairs of scissors, and a party-sized container of pretzels. Has society's demonization of gluten products really gone this far?
5. Progressive Male Jets Fan Punches Female Patriots Fan Dead In The Face As Though She Were A Man
A male New York Jets fan was caught on video celebrating his team's 30-27 victory over the New England Patriots by punching a woman in the losing team's jersey right in the face with all of his strength with zero concern for either her gender or smaller size. We've come so far as a society, haven't we?
Bonus Thing: Peyton Manning Hands One More Victory To Colts Fans
Former Indianapolis QB Peyton Manning, who was the source of so many good memories for Colts fans over the years came through once again when he returned to Lucas Oil Stadium in a Denver Broncos uniform and handed his former teammates a 39-33 win.
Must be emotional for Peyton Manning to return to the stadium where his brother won his second Super Bowl.— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) October 21, 2013
Song That Doesn't Completely Suck Of The Day: Gary Clark Jr. - Numb