5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 28, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 28, 2014
Advertising
5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 28, 2014

1. Citizens of Toronto Gamble On A Non-Crack-Smoking Mayor

Last night, transformative Canadian politician John Tory became the first non-crack-addicted or clinically insane person to be elected as the mayor of Toronto in nearly four years. The current mayor, Rob Ford, will now go back to his old seat on the city council, while Tory's opponent Doug Ford will go back to just being some obnoxious dick.


2. U.S. Senate Battle Could Drag On And On Until Nation Is Enormous Smoldering Crater

Several senatorial races in the upcoming midterm election are sufficiently close—such as those in Louisiana and Georgia—that there is good reason to believe that they may result in run-off elections which could ultimately decide which party controls the upper house of the U.S. legislative branch and give the nation several more weeks in which to tear itself utterly asunder.

Advertising


3. North Korea Contends It Only Kidnapped A Slightly Higher-Than-Acceptable Number Of Japanese Citizens

After several decades of bitter antagonism, officials from North Korea are finally agreeing to sit down with counterparts from Japan to discuss the fates of all the Japanese citizens that they always pretended not to have kidnapped back in the 1970s and 1980s. While Japan has accused its neighbor of abducting hundreds of Japanese citizens, North Korea disagrees, admitting to a much more reasonable 13 people. 

Advertising


4. Marvel Studios Gives Respected Character Actor Benedict Cumberbatch A Chance To Finally Make A Name For Himself

After weeks of speculation of who would be playing Marvel's cosmic magician Doctor Strange in an upcoming film adaptation, it now appears as though Disney has settled on obscure British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, whom audiences will remember from his recent roles as a slaveowner in 12 Years a Slave and as that one guy from Atonement.

Advertising


5. Johann Sebastian Bach Was A Big, Stupid, Phony Fraud, According To One Theory That Is Almost Certainly Not Correct

According to a new theory that is almost laughable in its improbability, famed German composer Johann Sebastian Bach was not the actual author of some of his most popular pieces of music. A documentary that is actually being aired on television claims that Bach's wife Anna Magdalena ghost-wrote a number of pieces—such as parts of the "Goldberg Variations"—for her husband.

Advertising


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Advertising