1. The American Dream Apparently Includes Paying Too Much Money For Shitty Internet

According to new report from an institute with a really long name that you’ve never heard of, U.S. internet consumers continue to pay an awful lot of money for increasingly bad Internet service, while in Europe and Asia the service is becoming cheaper and more efficient. This may show that, contrary to what many Americans probably assume after looking at bills from their providers, it's not actually getting harder and more dangerous for the heroic cable companies to tame the torrential stream of information and direct it into our home routers so that we can jerk it to clown porn.