5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 30, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 30, 2013
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 30, 2013

1. Chris Brown Now In Rehab Clinic Because Apparently They Have Rehab For Assholes

After getting arrested over the weekend for for beating up some dude in a hotel parking lot, R&B star Chris Brown has decided to enter a rehab clinic to rehabilitate his public image. Or perhaps, as a unnamed friend spun it, because he “self-medicates with weed and alcohol.” They probably don’t have a box for “So I don't go to jail” on the entry form to those places.


2. Man Discovers The $27 Worth Of Fake Internet Money He Forgot About Because It’s Stupid Is Actually Worth $887K In Real Money

When Kristoffer Koch traded $26 of actual hard-earned money for 5,000 bitcoins of make-believe Internet money for nerds in 2009, the Norwegian man’s initial reaction was probably something like, “Well, that was dumb” because he promptly erased the incident from his mind. Which was probably a good idea. Except that it wasn’t! Little did that poor-decision-making guy know, but that stupid dumb fake money in which he’d invested turned out to be worth $886,000 today! Just think of all of the idiotic ways he can waste that much money!

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Bitcoin Explained from Duncan Elms on Vimeo.


3. Ugly Suburban Home Declared Historical Monument Because Some Nerd Lived There

The city of Los Altos, California has added the nondescript, kind-of-dumpy-looking small suburban home located at 2066 Crist Drive to its list of historic properties because apparently some dorky kid named Steve Jobs lived there and built some computers in its garage or something. Seems some cities will turn any old incredibly important piece of cultural history into a landmark these days.

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4. Woman Dressed As 'Abusive Wife' For Halloween Arrested After Taking Her Costume Too Seriously

An 26-year-old Michigan woman was arrested after getting a little too method with her choice of dressing like an “abusive wife” for Halloween the other night. A police officer caught the incredibly drunk woman really getting into the part, over and over again with a purse, on her boyfriend, who was appropriately dressed as an “abused husband.” Too bad the couple didn’t dress as “hungover prisoner” and “henpecked guy trying to scrape together money for bail.”

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5. Kathleen Sebelius To Be Sacrificed To Hordes Of Angry Congressional Republicans Today

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has been marched before a crowd of ravenous GOP legislators today for a special hearing about Obamacare and its error-marred roll-out. She will endure the Republicans' wrath and suffer whatever humiliations they seem fit  until their bloodlust has been sufficiently sated, or until it's time for everyone to go get drunk.

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