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1. Overprivileged Nerds Worldwide Celebrate Release Of New, Arguably-Improved iPhone

People from all of the world, instilled with a sense of unease by their their lives of relative comfort and leisure, have managed to find some small fleeting measure of satisfaction after spending hours waiting in line to use their expendable incomes to purchase a brand new iPhone 5s, which officially went on sale today. For some consumers, though, the existential dread was deepened after they were forced to back order the newly-available gold-colored phone, which is in short supply. Like happiness.