5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 24, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 24, 2013
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1. Burger King To Offer Lower-Calorie, Less-Delicious Fries

The fast food restaurant chain Burger King has announced that it will begin to offer a low-fat option for french fries. Their "Satisfries," in addition to having a goofy name, will contain 20% fewer calories than their normal fries and 30% less than the ones offered at McDonald's. They're expected to be 70% less popular.


2. Facebook Coming To China, Kind Of

China will be ending will be ending its nationwide ban on social media websites. Instead, sites like Facebook and Twitter will only continue to be banned in all cities all across the country with the small exception of one small part of one city. In an attempt to lure business into their country, Chinese authorities will allow people living and working in its free-trade zone to continue Facebook stalking their exes on company time.

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3. Wal-Mart Selling 'Naughty Leopard' Costume For Your Slutty Toddler

That little 3-year-old harlot of yours will finally have something decent to wear when she goes tramping around the neighborhood begging for tricks and treats this Halloween, now that Wal-Mart is providing a "naughty leopard" costume for girls aged 2 to 4.

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4. Happy National Punctuation Day, Grammar Assholes

Orthography pedants nationwide will today be celebrating their love of correcting minor infractions of the English language's rules for using its dizzying array of dots, dashes, ampersands and obeluses. Today is the tenth annual National Punctuation Day. Celebrants are encouraged to point out and mock other people's punctuation errors, just like they do every other day of the year.

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5. Obama Hasn't Smoked In Six Years Due To Tired Marital Cliche

Barack Obama — who is now seemingly transitioning from his role as Chief Executive of the United States to that of a character in a lazily-written sitcom — was caught on microphone telling  U.N. official Maina Kiai that he hasn't smoked a cigarette in six years "because I'm scared of my wife." Just imagine the beating he got when Michelle heard this.

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